Whenever Bianca wrote she was able to express her feelings best, and writing made her feel better. Bianca never thought that the one who created the world would show Himself to her. She did not think she would ever say that He is real. When she was little, she imagined red eyes that were watching her through a door at her mother’s house, where there was a lot of drug activity. She was afraid of almost everything and because she knew that she must be imagining things, she didn’t tell anybody.
As a teenager, Bianca became shy, nervous and fearful even though she seemed like a sweet girl on the outside she was always terrified. She was left to do whatever she wanted as a child, and during her 20’s she developed sleep paralysis. This became a regular occurrence. On the night when she experienced the worst of the attacks, something in her head told her to say the name of Jesus so she did. She opened her eyes and saw an ugly thing with gnashing teeth that looked like it was made of brown smoke. When she thought of the name Jesus it disappeared.
Over the years she had a few relationships and was often abused, had abortions and ended up in the emergency room quite often. She thought that this is what love was, and that it was normal. She fell into a deep depression, and wanted to commit suicide. When people found out about her abuse, she felt terribly ashamed.
Bianca did not really want to kill herself because she had been told before that people who kill themselves go to hell. People told her that she would go to hell because of her lifestyle, and the fear caused her to get nightmares, and she heard voices telling her that Jesus would never love her because she was ugly. Her previous boyfriend did not care when she told him that he gave her an STD, and she wished that someone would kill her. Out of desperation she started researching the topic of Christianity.
She was very surprised when she started reading peoples’ testimonies, and it gave her a bit of hope. This was when she called out to Jesus to help her. That night the Spirit of Jesus visited her. His grace and holiness flooded through her and He showed her how much He loved her. She cried and asked him to forgive her sins, and her heart changed in that moment. She started praying every day and her prayers about receiving a sign was answered when a woman at church told her that she had to forgive those who hurt her. It felt as if a massive weight was lifted of her shoulders.
When Bianca was 26, she joined a small church, and she was attracted to prophesies, praise and worship, and living a holy lifestyle. She was the youngest woman at church and she told them her life story. Being a single mother was hard on her and she developed a close relationship with the patrons. She became very concerned with the way that Christians where supposed to look on the outside, and what they were supposed to wear, and how they were to act.
She would judge people on the way they looked, and started gossiping about other churches. When she started understanding the Bible, she realised that something was wrong. Going to church became hard work. She always had to prove that she could worship the loudest, pray the longest, and that she went to church most often. When she tried to speak to somebody about it, they broke her trust, and the depression came back again. She was afraid that they would say that she had a demon.
These things were not supposed to happen in church, and when she wanted to leave, the pastor told her that the devil would come and get her because she was a sinner, and that she had disobeyed Jesus, and this frightened her. It took months for her to recover, and even though she knew that the enemy was attacking her, she was still so confused, her mind was very busy and she was constantly crying. She begged Jesus to help her. She was desperately trying to live a Godly life, but she was angry when she had to deny her flesh. She was trying to live a Godly life, and she was jealous about people who got what they wanted, even though they were living sinful lives. Yet she knew she had to be the lesser person. She was tired of being used as the doormat, because people walked all over her.
Finally, she asked a Christian friend to pray with, and for her. This friend always encouraged her without judgement. The God’s Spirit ministered softly to her, and encouraged her to take captive all negative thoughts, until such a day where she was ready to join another church again. One day while she was in fellowship with other worshippers at the new church, during prayer God healed her body and soul. The pastor told her that the enemy was trying to confuse her walk of faith in the beginning, and she did not realise how badly the first church experience influenced her life. She had been attending the new church service for approximately a month now.
They were preaching the same as her previous church, but more accurately. These pastors believed in God and in His word and they believe that what is written about healing in the Bible is true. One of the pastors prophesied that somebody who was at the church service would go for medical tests and that person would receive good news. There was a confidence in that moment that God had already healed her. She wanted to have a Godly marriage, and a father for her son, but even though she is still single she thanks God for His mercy, and for His goodness, and regardless of her circumstances she loves Him. She still has hurdles in her life but Jesus is her strength and whatever the enemy brings across her path she is able to deal with. Bianca would like to let other women know that Jesus forgives and that sin is what keeps you in bondage – people are not perfect, don’t let a negative church experience keep you away from God and everlasting life.
*First name has been changed to protect the identity of the person giving the their testimony.